It’s late at night and I am laying in bed typing this on my iPhone. My hubby is sleeping next to me.
I haven’t posted on this blog in a while. In all honestly I’ll probably retire it. But I just felt like getting my thoughts out to a place people probably weren’t going to really read.
My weight has been up and down so many times since 2014. Five years ago at the time of this post. I never seem to find a place to land on how exactly to handle it. It seems to always skew one of two ways: extreme dieting and intense exercise or complete apathy and lack of self control.
I could get into the details of my health or diet plan but I’ll save that for a different post.
Tonight as I’m going to sleep I feel okay about it all. Which is a good thing. For all I know this security will last a week or maybe even disappear over night, and I might not ever go back to how I feel in this moment.
But let’s celebrate the little things.
This is the first time that I have felt “in between” extreme dieting and extreme overeating. Most of my meals fall within my current eating plan. And once or so a week I splurge on something “naughty.” Many times I can’t just have one or two of someone on the “naughty” list before I nose dive into binge eating. I still fear that a little but I’m doing my best to not let that fear control me.
I gained a few pounds over the holiday and I set a tiny goal to just lose what I gained. This, in no way feels daunting. Just a week of keeping myself in check and I’ll be back to that.
I am in no way close to my ideal weight, but for the first time in my life I am feeling motivated to just maintain. I’m about 20 lbs lighter then I was last year and I’m glad to just not be at my heaviest. I don’t have as many weird symptoms because of it and I’m happy to just sort of be on “this side.” Of that.
I told a friend today my real weight. Not my skinny, lowest weight. But my current fat-from-smallest weight.
I haven’t done that, I don’t think, all of my life.
My goal for 2020 is to continue to maintain. Maybe shed 20 more pounds by 2021?
We’ll see :) Happy New Years!
