It’s time to talk about failures.
This past weekend was a rough one. As of Friday, I had lost
91lbs weighing a wonderful 203lbs. The last time I was under 200lbs I must have
been about 12 or 13 years old (maybe). It’s been over 10 years. I was so close
to this goal that I pushed myself harder than I have ever pushed myself.
For 4 days I ate oatmeal for breakfast, a simple homemade
juice for lunch, and a raw salad for dinner. I couldn’t have been consuming
more than 600 calories. Each
evening I would get to the gym and run 3 miles and power-walk somewhere between
1-2miles burning around 450/500 calories. For those of you who can do the math
of my calorie consumption and my calorie burning- you are correct. This is not
healthy.
I spoke with Justin on the phone and told him my goal was to
lose 2 pounds that night. “TWO pounds in one day?!” he responded. I gave him an
intellectual and well advised response as to how this was okay and doable and
pretty much talked him into a different conversation so I wouldn’t have to
justify myself.
That night I burned over 500 calories on the treadmill and
ate next to nothing all day. I woke up excited to weigh myself. When I got on
the scale it said 203 lbs.
WHAT?!
Um, excuse me!! I practically starved myself and busted my
butt on the treadmill! It’s not scientifically possible that I lost
absolutely no weight. I was pissed off and annoyed. I decided to just eat
whatever I wanted for breakfast. I had oatmeal, an apple, some date balls,
cashews, fried plantain chips, almonds, and two veggie burgers and some left
over dinner from the previous night… just for breakfast. For the rest of the
weekend and for the next 3 following days I had chocolate, trail mix, bread,
sandwiches, fruit tart pie, pop tarts, Cheezits, two pints of ice cream, candy
bars, a small bag of Hershey’s kisses, macaroni and cheese, pasta, cupcakes,
and chips.
I’m embarrassed even typing this, but I want to communicate
just how hard it’s been to keep up this lifestyle some times. It DEFINITELY
get’s easier when you know exactly what to cook and to buy when you walk into a
store. But chocolate will always taste good. Working out will always be
difficult. I can arguably say that working out is just as difficult as it was
when I started but only now I can do more, better, and faster.
This weekend I made poor choices. During the week I worked
hard and lost 5 pounds. In one weekend I gained 12 lbs. It’s so hard for me to
admit that. I’ve been back on for a couple days and am already down a couple
now but if I would have just been patient with myself I would not have needed
to take so many steps back.
I will explain the spiritual side of my issue but there is
also a scientific one. What I did the last couple weeks was put my body in a
borderline starvation mode. I was pushing my body hard physically and not
giving my body enough fuel. As my body tried to hold on to fat to keep my
alive, I gave it very little option and forced it to burn it rapidly. My body
would tell me to eat more using hunger
pangs and giving me a light headed feeling after the treadmill, but the results were just
too attractive for me to listen.
When I hit that wall, I got emotionally upset and decided to
binge because I missed food so much. My body was finally going to get all the food
it had been asking for. So I ate and ate but didn’t eat anything with nutrition
so my body kept asking for more. I ate until my stomach hurt but still, my body
craved the nutrients I normally fed it.
To protect me from future famine my body stored all the
fat I was eating to save for later. I’ve heard this process described as borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.
Tricking my body to do what I wanted was not nice at all. And the sad thing is,
is that is not the first or even second time I’ve done this since starting my
health journey. I’m abusing the Power over my actions that Christ as given me
for my own agenda.
Which brings me to the spiritual side. I do think that this
binge had something to do with hormones (cravings and emotional response and
what not), but my actions really did not set me up for success. In addition, I
did not take any time to have my daily communications with God like I laid out
in my last blog. (prayer each morning and evening, worship and journal every
day.) Being in a relationship (especially with God) takes dedication and
diligence to stay relevant.
One thing I’ve noticed about dating Justin is the more we
communicate to each other, the more similar our jokes and speech patterns sound. We
get better and brining up topics that we know the other will be interested in,
and we are far more comfortable being honest and open with each other. I would imagine if we were
to take a week or so off from talking to each other it would change that
dynamic. I would need to “catch him up” if you will.
So that is what I have been doing with God these past couple
of days. Of course, He’s already all caught up with me, but I am so ready to
hear his Word for me every day like usual.
As far as my diet, I decided to go back to three regular
meals with a juice to work on while at work. Still doing about 4 miles on the
treadmill, and my new plan is to work on distance rather than fast times. I’m
hoping to include some strength training for runners so I can keep running
farther.
Lastly, and I’ll leave you with this. I got some great
advice from my friend Steve from church and my mentor Barbara. Steve is a
runner himself and has been doing it for years and years. He advised me to take
my running nice and slow and consistent. To not try and increase more than 10%
at a time because otherwise it might lead to injury, but by keeping my running
manageable I can still improve while also giving myself an exercise I can do
for a lifetime.
Barbara told me to take my dieting one day at a time. To get
up and give myself the goal of just doing well TODAY. To not focus so much on
the overall weight loss and the future, but focus on doing well
right now.
Both are great, solid advice and I’m happy that I have
people who are always ready to speak wisdom in my life.
Thanks for reading and I’ll pray for you!
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